Of procrastination and procrastinating

So I met Dr G today unprepared. Well, i did but it was just not enough. I knew it already from the start because i only re-do the writing that she previously commented last night at 2am and I'm still awake up until now 3.06pm. Truthfully, that was when i realised what should i do and how I'm going to do it. Really, pressure really works on me and I'm not proud of it. What i did is just rearranging the paragraphs like a lazy kid who just copy and paste the work with the hope she's can be forgotten for whatever she's done. It was exactly a month after the last meeting. Our last meeting was on early June and i submitted the draft on 20th May. Talking about procrastination hah? I felt ashamed just now for not being able to at le have an argument or at least present whatever i've read to her. It shows that I'm not doing my job, and I'm not doing anything either for the whole month. What have i've done. I also realised that i've keep repeating the same words or maybe sentence in this post. 

Well, whatever it is, i know it's my mistake to start with and i have a week to make sure everything is in place as she's going to have a month holiday in August...heheehe! Then a holiday for me too? LOL! Wake up Nur Azyan! Life is not like what you think. I have to make sure I'm still focussed and on track. It's so long since all these has been done. The momentum, the drive, the force to complete the things, it seems it has been swipe away and never return. But i don't feel that bad, because i know i have to catch up my pace back in doing things. I know i can do it, it's just that I'm being lazy! MashaAllah! 

I noticed that my communication skills has't improved as well. I'm still swallowing my own words. or am i the one who talks without thinking thus make it hard to express verbally whatever i have inside? Hmm.! 'That's right instead of it is'.

i've got sunshine, on a cloudy day...

p/s I'm fine, thank you...thank you and you? *tetibe melo* @_@

Of weekdays and weekend

i've been developing an anxiety of weekdays. Every time Monday comes, i feel insecure and guilty. I always hope for day to end faster and night to come quickly so i don't have to feel uneasy with the day. I guess this is what happen when you have something unsettle in your mind. I am and i have it now. It's pilling up until you don't know where to go, where to start or even who to seek for the help. You can reach out for people, but at this stage I'm looking for more than people. Work hasn't progress at all, this will be the 4th week during the last time i met the supervisors. Our 'fruitful' discussions that day seems faded away slowly day by day. I vividly remember whatever discussion that we had and i haven't progress so far until now. Progression means like at least you need to have a written page at least 1, but me none.

Not even that i even procrastinate even more by doing different things. I have couple of books to be finished as well. I don't know the purpose of finishing it. Should i speed reading? Should i read each and every page of the book? I really hate myself whenever I'm not able to make any decision, be it in everything. If I'm in dilemma meaning to say my heart is not it in. When it's not in it, it shows that I'm not thinking about it seriously which lead to later stress. Stress sounds serious, how about later thinking? hahahahaha If only things can be settled and done asap. I also realised not only in work, but i feel the same with people today. Only today. i swear yesterday i was still sane and got to laugh out loud still with others.

Guess i haven't had the skill to nail it yet. Ya Rabbi, please help me in anyway you can as you can see me struggling to keep myself from being drowning. T__Y

Of Ramadan and fasting

It's the 1st day of ramadan, which means the first day of fasting for the muslim in this holy month. Previously, ramadan is just a ramadan where my perception is it's a month that you have to fast for 30 days, with sahur, breaking the fast (iftar), the food, the terawikh and such. Such a shallow conception when i was a kid and maybe 2 years back of my age now. Looking and experiencing ramadan in foreign country today made me think differently of how it should be. Usually i would just asked mom of what the menu for today's breaking fast, i wondered should i go to solat terawikh tonight, or having a lots of other thoughts. As for today, I'm just being me with less expectation of what to cook or eat for iftar and i even agreed to my housemate's suggestion to go on the top of a church and have a view on Liverpool skies and city from a top above at 8pm. (Well since we're in summer, Fajr prayer starts around 2.45am and maghrib starts at 9.45pm. It's more than 18-hour of fasting, but bring it on! hehe)

Crazy isn't it? Well that is how environment actually shape your behaviour and doing despite what you've been practicing after all the years. As for me i think i come to a realisation that ramadan is more that just fasting, well shame on me to have it realised on my 27-years of life on earth, but it least it struck me on what else that i wanna gain through this holy month of ramadan? Being alone here also made you think and evaluate yourself of all the things that you have done. You are able to make changes without getting worried about other people perception or dogma. I've gone through a-second-day series of Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan's (he's indeed popular now! ekekeke)  youtube video on the Juz 2 of the Quran, ' Do you worship ramadan or Allah?' The verse explains how Allah asks us to fast whenever we are once the holy month is here unless you're not capable of doing it under certain circumstances. The question is, why Allah gives us 30 days to fast, why not 60 days or maybe 15 days? This is the question that maybe others may have different perception. The answer from Ustaz Norman is in the video that i've attached. One of the ways to make sure people click the play button and listen hehehe.  

As for me, it's more than a month itself. It's a month where Allah shapes us to be a good person in everything that we do within these 30 days. Have you ever encountered a saying that describes habits die hard and it's only take a certain amount of time to form and shape a new habit in your life. Let say after one month of behaving good, then later you're still back to the previous habits, doesn't it shows how pretentious we are during the month? So are we actually obliged to Allah or only for Ramadan? MashaAllah, if i'm not going to take this opportunity to become a better person then when will it be. This is the time where at least i can form new habits out of everything that you have been so far. It really made me think and think. Anyhow, this is just a first day of ramadan, and it's still a long journey to say I've made an improvement over myself, my work, my schedule or even towards the people around me. I really hope it does, even it's only a tiny bit. I really wish for it. huhuhuh Ahlan wasahlan ya Ramadan!

Of sitting and doing

Ive been sitting for an hour on the chair in front of the lappy at my table doing nothing. Like really doing nothing. Cant sleep last night, blame the latte that I drank yesterday hence affect the sleeping  excuses. So i slept around 4am and woke up around 930am. Done the rabbit yoga stretching, fold the laundry and vacuum the room, just to get into the mood of doing something but it's not working i guess. I even changed my table position just to get the feel and still not helping. So what's next?

Had a few conversation with different friends while I awoke. How desperate people wants to change everything in their life, like having a shift just to get a new perspective of how enjoyful life can be. To tell the truth it's not easy as i noticed all of my circle friends are having the same withdrawal of these feeling. About to jump or not to jump, about to take the first step or just stay and observe. Well eventually for me above all you need to have the courage to do it. But i guess people really need a definite reason to do it. Just because you wanna jump or move, it's not the main motivational drive that will make them actually doing the action, because there's always something that hold you back. Pull you slowly and end up either you're drowning or surviving. Cruel isn't it? Hmm..it's really something to ponder. 

Oh there's also a conversation with friend of should we try to jump or just stay still when taking photo i know she means something else with the jumping. For me it's better jump, because at least the experience will teach you later of either jumping around is good or not. If not you'll be forever wonder of the excitement and the feeling of jumping. But somehow you have to remember, sometimes it's not the jump is the problem, you did jump perfectly in the pictures but the camera and the people who took the photos might have missed to best jump out of you. So the environment does play it role. People are shape by the environment, it's either you can bland in or you be the different one. hahaha 

Same goes to my situation now, are you going to just sit on the chair doing nothing or at least you wanna start something small and get going from that? C'mon Nur Azyan! You're more wayyyy better than this! LOL! ekekekekekek

So i did jump and i improve! ekekeke i think! ekekeke

p/s it's so hot outside and i can feel my ketiak basah! adoiiii hahahaha

so just jump and enjoy the moment! ekekekek

Of jumping and trendsetting

the trendsetter in jumping and shooting hahaha! i'm amazed with myself either hahahaha
*angkat bakul sendiri*

p/s erkkk....why i have multiple posts in a day? So not me! OMG!

Albert Dock, Liverpool
The soul has left me in split second @_@

Run or Dye, Liverpool 2015
bum3

Of Lake District and Adventure

It was a random planned trip to the Lake District. It started with an evening picnic, somebody suggested it and everybody agreed. A place where people said a-must-visit place around here. As I'm being noob and less interested in exploring around, i just follow the plan.

Turned out it's indeed breath-taking. Photos don't do justice is the eyes are the real camera of how wonderful it is. I'll try to be more passionate in exploring things around me then hahaha but then europe will be like all nature and nature like this? ekekeke...

p/s: what would i do when all these people return to Malaysia soon? T_T

The focus is the cloud..the cloud..the cloud

The ladies @ the infamous Sarah's Nelson Gingerbread shop

Part of the lake, i guess? hahaha

The hometown to a famous poet, William Wordsworth

The lost wanderer

Of friends and friendship

You can have a lots of friends but it doesn't mean you will have the exact friendship that you look for from each one of them. Well shits do happened and when you're caring too much it's misunderstood of being too serious and such haha funny isnt it how the people perceive your gesture differently just because of so called a friendship.

I vividly remember during primary school years, being desperate i was in getting a best friend, one of my classmate offered me another friend to be my best friend, it was like ' Hey, do you wanna be her best friend?' It's kinda odd right? I still have a laugh whenever i remember that. High school friends are still intact. 20 of us. Each one of them have had their own families and left with 4 single pathetic  ladies hahaha! University friends are still there as well, although we rarely communicate, still we're gossiping on the same par of everything ekekeke and the kepop friends, it turns to be sisters that i've never had before. At least for now. 

Truth to be told the circle of friends that i have now comes from all sort of life directions which i do not regret at all for having them. In fact, all of them are connected and know each other well in some way. I don't know how it happened but it just happens. To say that we never argue or fight, then it might be a lie because we really did! hahaha... the price? You'll become more tolerate and understand each other situation. 

Blessed isn't it? But it doesn't mean you can just sit back and enjoy whatever it is because people change, rapidly and drastically depends on the situation. It sucks every time these changes happen as you can't just keep up and all you have to do is to let loose and let it go. =) Pretty sad!

p/s: I just wanna be your friend, why so serious then? @_@

of rain and rainbow

there's always a rainbow after a rain, a sun after the storm

and there will truly have a good day after the bad,

chin up and face the day as who you are.. =)

p/s truth = pain = life = :)

of the past, present and future

The title of the post is my previous blog's name haha i guess it's how i want people to know me from the past, present and future. I browsed through the Facebook notes yesterday and stumble upon a note way on 2009 during university life where you got to tag your friends of something and they have to do it. I guess it's pretty much popular and serious to be done at least to my thinking that time. Reading back all those answers made me think how wonderful it is to be able to write and record something for your upcoming future. Well, at least you have some sort of reference on how your condition state were during that time. How foolish you were before or how loud you were in saying something. I really wish i have the patients of sharing and writing. Ignore the audience but you're writing for yourself. 

Sharing to yourself of what really happen and be true to every second of it. Like everything! Can i? I doubt it as well. haha remember how i wish to at least write post a day, but it's not happening. Sharing of everything activities would be way past of the interest of mine. Probably i should start on how everyday life reflecting who you are and what do you learn for it. It's hard, believe me. it's hard. but then again if you're not able to be thru to your own self then what else do you have? Confuse isn't it? Human being are complicated or at least they think so much of it. haha. If i were to post all those questions of 100 truth about me, it would pretty much the same with maybe a minor changes. We'll see how it goes.

*the one in [....] is the 2015 answers haha*

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: plain water [milk]
2. Last phone call: khairul azmir (my bro) [Farah Husin]
3. Last text message: fatin elina [Still Fatin Elina haha]
4. Last song you listened to: papa roach-scar [ Stacie Orrico - Stuck]
5. Last time you cried: can't remember...T_T [ few days back?]

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: nope [nope]
7. Been cheated on: yup [i guessed] [haha yup!]
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: nope [none!]
9. Lost someone special: yup [yes]
10. Been depressed: currently... [sort off]
11. Been drunk and threw up: neverrr!! [haha how i wish..but nope!]

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. white [white]
13. black [black]
14. blue [blue]

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: a lots! [plenty!]
16. Fallen in of love: of coz... [ahaha surprisingly yes!]
17. Laughed until you cried: hahaha certainly! [everytime!]
18. Met someone who changed you: a definite yes!! [haha it is!]
19. Found out who your true friends were: yup [always]
20. Found out someone was talking about you: yup [ i guess!]
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: nope! [haha nope]
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: 80% [hmm still 75%]
23. How many kids do you want?: not in the plan yet hahaha [4? haha]
24. Do you have any pets: no! [As with me nope]
25. Do you want to change your name: never [ no, I'm proud of it now]
26. What did you do for your last birthday: on my bed with a fever! T_T [hmmm....in front of my laptop]
27. What time did you wake up today: 9am [5.30am]
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: downloading You're beautiful [sleeping]
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Persona in Malaysia!!! hahaha [lifehouse in london?]
30. Last time you saw your Mother: 5 sec ago...hehe [ almost 2 months ago? T_T]
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my study [ still my study]
32. What are you listening to right now : loud noise from the ceiling..hahaha [ Gabrille - Rise]
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: not yet [ yes!]
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: preparing for final exam this sem!!! too hard! [preparing my phd proposal!]
35. Most visited webpage: facebook & blogspot [haha Facebook and gmail]
36. Whats your real name:Nur Azyan Shalihah [same]
37. Nicknames: sha, yan, yent, sha filan [same]
38. Relationship Status: single [it's complicated! OMG! haha]
39. Zodiac sign:libra [same]
40. Male or female?: female [female]
41. Primary School?: sk gombak 1, sktd 
42. Secondary School?: sigs :D
43. High school/college?: unisel
44. Hair colour: black
45. Long or short: in the middle haha
46. Height: 165cm kot?
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: hahah! YES!!! seriuosly! [still in crush forever! When will i have a gut to say it out loud]
48: What do you like about yourself?: i'm bulat [chubby!] [my confidence level LOL!]
49. Piercings: never! [never]
50. Tattoos: also never [never!]
51. Righty or lefty: Righty [right]

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery:not yet [nope]
53. First piercing: never! [haha never!]
54. First best friend: open to offer..haha [fatin elina...i guess]
55. First sport you joined: basketball n tennis [same]
56. First vacation: can't remember [seoul]
58. First pair of trainers: cant remember either [do i have one?]

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: nope [grapes]
60. Drinking: nope [milk]
61. I'm about to: doing the test n eva report..haha [taking a bath and reading? boring i know]
62. Listening to: still...loud noise from the ceiling [ Gabrielle - Dream comes true, random playlist on youtube]
63. Waiting on: my cd to arrive hahaha [somebody to ask me to get married lol!]

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: definitely [definitely!]
65. Get Married?: of cuz..but depends...hehehe [YES!]
66. Career?: educationist maybe [now undecided!]

i stopped at 66! because i felt bored! hahahahahah!!! Lost concentration! hahaha...

are you ready?

My close friend's mom had passed away this morning. It was a devastating news although she's been sick for a while a ready. I know her well as i frequently visited the house before for sleep over and she would be really excited with whatever stories we have told her. I often bought her some 'keropok keping' (fish cracker) from Terengganu as that what she's always requested for, well i don't mind. The thing about ready is that Kak Jan and i did talk about how ready she was for her to really go. Like totally gone from your life. The replied that i got was, "You shouldn't ask that question". Letting go when you really needed them the most, letting go when you realise you're lonely from human touch or care and letting go the one most dear to you. I always curious how people would deal to this situation as i haven't with myself either. I had once dreamt about my dad passed away, well i think recently when i am here. It feel so frustrated and hurt like you don't have anywhere to go. I felt suffocated and confused and keep asking myself who should i turn to after this. Then, i realised it was a dream and i feel back to normal. But somehow later that day, it still hits me. Having said that now I'm a-thousand-km away from home, i realise i will happen to me in no time. Location wise, I might not able to be there when it happens and what should i do? huh

The truth is only the person involved would know how it feels. Maybe the after effect would make it worst. If the support system, the family bonding is strong then it helps a lot. But what i worried is the ugly truth after the lost. People might hang in to you because of the significant person, but when he/she's gone, others will slowly gone and letting go the support system as well. That is when the reality sucks a big time. Things happened, people come and go and you're still there but i would say should we go back to the Creator this time. i think this is the boundary that we have as a muslim. A Creator who knows whether you're strong and ready to accept the reality. To be able to achieve that is one of the test. He won't test you if you're not ready, but whatever He does for sure he knows better. Hanging onto the Mercy and Grace of Allah. It may seems like it's easier said than done but it has to be done.

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُوْنَ

'From Allah we come, and to Allah we return'